Favourite Marriage Quotes

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
Woody Allen

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
Professor Irwin Corey

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."
Clint Eastwood

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Lewis Grizzard

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Henry Youngman

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
Jackie Mason

"Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper."
Scottish Proverb

"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues."
Helen Rowland

"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."
Lisa Hoffman

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."
HL Mencken

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Max Kaufman

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure."
Oscar Wilde

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
Woody Allen

"Terrorism? I don't give a fuck: I've been married 2 years."
Sam Kinison

"Marriage is the only evil that men pray for."
Greek Proverb

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
Johnny Carson

"In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems."
Matt Sullivan

"Marriage is like a fortress under siege. Those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out."

"The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"Life’s a bitch, then you marry one."

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
Woody Allen in Love and Death