To Critics of my Television Lifestyle

There are three things in this universe that are absolutely and unquestionably true:

1) Our sun will someday go nova and destroy all life on earth.

2) There will never be peace between the Arabs and Jews.

3) When they lower me into my grave, I will be clutching my plasma TV.


I’m going to have a television mausoleum. The walls will be lined with little LCD flat panels showing endless loops of my favourite TV shows. (Who’s going to pay for the electricity? Solar panels!)

I intend to be immortalized in the Smithsonian as “the Television Man,” whose life was indistinguishable from the all-pervasive medium. In addition to replicas of all my past TVs, including my plasma and LCD, there will be a wax figure of me, a la Madame Tussaud.

I want James Cameron to make a High Definition film of my life called, “A Man for All TV Seasons.”